I mean, I'm a single mom, so every week is hard, or harder, on some level.
"HOW IS THE BEST SWISS PERSON?" That's pretty much how every conversation with Davey started. I met Davey about 11 years ago at the International Auto Show at the Jacob Javits Center in NYC and saw him for the last time.... about 11 years ago. Throughout the years, there were always sporadic messages sent back and forth between the two of us, just to catch up, make sure everything was ok. Swissgar he called me, never by my first name, and he was Smokey to me.
On June 7, 2019, he was reported missing in the Sierra Nevada in Northern California. He was on a test drive with a Honda motorcycle, went over the Sonora Pass, texted a few friends that he wasn't properly attired for the trip and was never heard from again; that's the short version. The Calaveras County Sheriffs Department put in their best efforts to find him, but to no avail. On June 21, 2019, a body was found, with the assumption, and then determination, that it was my buddy Smokey.
On June 15, 2019, another acquaintance of mine was in a terrible motorcycle accident during a International Road Race Championship (IRRC) race at Imatranajo in Finland. The roads were wet, he lost control.. He was rushed to the hospital but there wasn't much that could be done anymore. He passed away shortly after. All alone.
Whenever I hear about a death, there is a moment of shock, a threat of tears, and a gulp of air, then, the day goes on. There are supposed to be steps, stages of grief that everyone goes through when they loose a loved one. 5-7 stages of grief, depending on who you ask. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
For some reason, I don't go through those stages. I accept that this is the hand that life has dealt me, and I go on, there isn't much else that I can do.
Then I feel guilty. Is this normal? Am I such a cold-hearted person that I don't feel like I should feel when I loose someone? Does this make me a bad person? Have I become numb to the pain of loosing someone after all the friends I've lost? Do I rush through the stages of grief in a matter an hour? Am I suppressing emotions so that I can just get on with my life? Will I one day be emotionally overwhelmed because, eventually, I'll need to deal with these emotions? Where's the tenderness, the compassion and the love?
There are so many scenarios that go through my head, so many questions with no answers.
To all the friends, and family, I've lost, no matter my reaction to your deaths, I'll never forget any of you. The short lives you lived impacted everyone around you and the rooms feel emptier without your presence.
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| Image borrowed from loudwire.com |
RIP
thinking about you always.
1984-2008
1984-2009
1992-2010
1930-2015
1985-2015
1976-2019
1988-2019
