what if...

A few days ago, I was browsing through the monotony that is Facebook when I stumbled upon a post that made me sad; it told the story of a brother tragically lost. There are memories that I share with others of this lost brother, memories full of laughter and good times, fun summer nights and tragic losses. Those memories also drew me to other, more painful memories, of a love that I let go. I can't say lost, because I let him go. 

Selfishly I wanted to broaden my horizons and didn't include him. I let a man go who taught me to trust again, made me laugh and love with everything I had in my being. At the tender age of 22 I didn't realize how lucky I was to have met someone who loved me for who I was, flaws included. 

5 years ago, I loved this man, so very much, yet I was proud too. Too proud to admit that I made a mistake, too proud to call him and tell him that I missed him, that I still loved him. I let him board a train to the airport without truly saying sorry or explaining. I let him go. At first I thought, great, new adventure, yet it didn't take long for me to realize how much I had truly hurt him. There is no excuse for what I did, how I felt, what I said. I wish I could say that I was young and stupid, who isn't? But that's no excuse for ripping someones heart out and stomping on it.

What if I had told him? What if I had the courage to follow him back home? What if I had tried my luck at a long distance relationship? Where would I be now, where would we be now? 

Would we still be together? Engaged? Married? These are all thoughts that have been going through my mind ever since I saw that post. How is it that after 5 years, reading a letter he left me brings tears to my eyes and an unbearable amout of loathing, directed at myself? Would it help to talk to him and try to explain? Or would that only rip open old wounds that have healed? Would talking only make it worse? Would the only benefit be that it would help me clear my conscience? Is it worth it?

Will writing about it make a difference? Probably not. Will he ever talk to me again, REALLY talk to me? Probably not. I don't know why that saddnes me; it leaves me feeling even worse knowing that he will never truly forgive me for what I did. Sure, time heals all wounds, and people move on, their lives lead in different directions, and yet, does he ever think of me? Does he ever regret not staying or coming after me? Did he really need me to tell him that I still wanted him? I'll never know. Does he know I think of him sometimes? Definitely not. That christmas and Rockefeller Center remind me of him? That I sometimes wish life was as carefree as it seemed then? 

I look around me and see my daughter playing outside, my son is sleeping and the sun is shining. How is it that I can feel so much pain and joy at once? I'm honored to have been able to spend time with him, to get to know him the way others didn't, to be drawn to him just sitting on a bus next to him, knowing that someone like him could love someone like me. I'm saddend that I didn't see what I had when I had it. 

And yet, what if?

RIP my friend. 

PS for those of you thinking I'm going to leave the most wonderful man and father and run away with the above mentioned individual, you are mistaken. 

fall, a time for... pumpkins,

fall is officially here. even here in Switzerland the days are shorter, the trees are brighter, the air is crisper and the nights are colder. pumpkins decorate almost every stoop and i pain an insane 7.80 CHF (that's almost $8!) for a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks in Bern (crazy, but so worth it). 

Amelie made a jack-o-lantern, making a funny `eww` face while taking out the seeds. of course the kids both loved the result, which made me realize how much fun fall decorating can be.

fall also means cooking up a storm using said pumpkins. through facebook, i found a great recipe from the pioneer woman for the perfect potato soup, and i must admit, it was perfect, the kids both loved it (gasp) and I'm sure I'll be making it again sometime soon,she has some really fun things on her website. go, check it out. i also found a great recipe for pumpkin pie on allrecipes.com. i love that website. there are so many seasonal recipes, which is great for a Swiss/American in Switzerland trying to instill some American culture (?) in her kids. 

i made pancakes for breakfast, again a recipe from allrecipes helped a long way, but Amelie went to get croissants with her dad, which means i now have a pancake or two left over. how is that possible?! pancakes are amazing. especially drenched with some amazing maple syrup from the US. sometimes i don't understand my family at all. Finn was the only one that really dug into them, but then again, i also only offered him the pancakes,

speaking of Finn. he took his first steps yesterday. what an amazing feat. i feel like as soon as he took his first step, he looked and acted older already. insane, i know, but there are some milestones that seem to change these little nuggets from babies to toddlers. this was definitely one of them. 

we go for a lot of walks. Amelie insists on wearing a dress and/or skirt whenever we go. she also insists on pushing the stroller, which means Finn goes on a pretty nice little (roller coaster) ride. she means well. 

today we're going 'into the wild'; enjoying the woods, making a little fire, roasting marshmallows and playing in the piles of leaves.

we're going to enjoy our 5 year anniversary weekend.

much love,

caroline.