Death.

The past few weeks have been hard.

I mean, I'm a single mom, so every week is hard, or harder, on some level.

"HOW IS THE BEST SWISS PERSON?" That's pretty much how every conversation with Davey started. I met Davey about 11 years ago at the International Auto Show at the Jacob Javits Center in NYC and saw him for the last time.... about 11 years ago. Throughout the years, there were always sporadic messages sent back and forth between the two of us, just to catch up, make sure everything was ok. Swissgar he called me, never by my first name, and he was Smokey to me.

On June 7, 2019, he was reported missing in the Sierra Nevada in Northern California. He was on a test drive with a Honda motorcycle, went over the Sonora Pass, texted a few friends that he wasn't properly attired for the trip and was never heard from again; that's the short version. The Calaveras County Sheriffs Department put in their best efforts to find him, but to no avail. On June 21, 2019, a body was found, with the assumption, and then determination, that it was my buddy Smokey.

On June 15, 2019, another acquaintance of mine was in a terrible motorcycle accident during a International Road Race Championship (IRRC) race at Imatranajo in Finland. The roads were wet, he lost control.. He was rushed to the hospital but there wasn't much that could be done anymore. He passed away shortly after. All alone.

Whenever I hear about a death, there is a moment of shock, a threat of tears, and a gulp of air, then, the day goes on. There are supposed to be steps, stages of grief that everyone goes through when they loose a loved one. 5-7 stages of grief, depending on who you ask. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

For some reason, I don't go through those stages. I accept that this is the hand that life has dealt me, and I go on, there isn't much else that I can do.

Then I feel guilty. Is this normal? Am I such a cold-hearted person that I don't feel like I should feel when I loose someone? Does this make me a bad person? Have I become numb to the pain of loosing someone after all the friends I've lost? Do I rush through the stages of grief in a matter an hour? Am I suppressing emotions so that I can just get on with my life? Will I one day be emotionally overwhelmed because, eventually, I'll need to deal with these emotions? Where's the tenderness, the compassion and the love?

There are so many scenarios that go through my head, so many questions with no answers.

To all the friends, and family, I've lost, no matter my reaction to your deaths, I'll never forget any of you. The short lives you lived impacted everyone around you and the rooms feel emptier without your presence.

Image borrowed from loudwire.com

RIP

thinking about you always.

1984-2008

1984-2009

1992-2010

1930-2015

1985-2015

1976-2019

1988-2019

The Hardest Thing

What's the hardest thing you've ever done? 

Some might say child birth, some might say training their dog, some might say climbing Mount Everest; there are an abundance of hard things and tough situations that everyone, at some point, goes through and overcomes.

For me? Closing this box for the very last time. This box that at one point represented hope, love, a promise of many tomorrows, many fights, many compromises, many laughs and many memories made together.

At this very moment, the box houses the two rings that were offered, that now represent the two short years we were married. It houses the too few memories we made as a married couple. The too fews days and nights spent together, discussing everything and anything. The too few laughs, the too few date nights, the too few arguments with the kids (although, let's be honest, we'll have enough of those in the future).

There's resentment, there's regret, there's sorrow, there's sadness, and a whole lot of pain.The kind of pain that makes it feel like someone is sitting on your chest all day, you even have trouble breathing. The kind of pain that comes from realizing that no matter what you do now, it's too late, there's nothing left to do and the only way is forward. 

And then, there are tears. A great many tears, usually streaming down your face at the most inoppertune moments. Songs, people, places, everything triggers the tears. Sometimes your embarassed by them, sometimes you aren't. Sometimes there are glances of sympathy from strangers and sometimes, most times, your all alone, shouldering as much as you can and making sure everyone knows, or thinks, you're alright. The toughest tears are the ones you can't seem to stop despite the kids looking at you askance. What do you say? How can you explain? Is it normal for my 7 year old to tell me everything is going to be ok? To tell me to go take a bath and make some tea? No, it's not, but it's sweet.

And eventually, some days, there's acceptance. You realize that there is no one to blame, no one person was at fault. You realize that your stronger than you once thought. That you can overcome almost anything, as long as you let the pain and the tears come. You accept that this is the card that you were dealt and that no matter what, there will always be love in your heart for the person you were once bound to.


Life is turbulant, how boring would it be if it wasn't? 

Let's see what else it has in store for me.